Boundaries
by Zebrastreifen
Summary: "Professional boundaries were the least of their problems right now. It didn't matter that Olivia was her superior, didn't matter that she had treated her poorly during her first few months in the squad. What did matter were the violent shivers cursing through Olivia's body, and the shameful look in her eyes. There was no way in hell Amanda was not gonna say it"
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: To be honest: I have no idea whether this story matches the timeline on the show. For all intents and purposes, let's just pretend it does and assume the following parameters: Set after the whole Lewis thing, Liv and Cassidy are still an item, pre-Patton and everything gambling-related.**

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 ** _Chapter 1_**

A sharp knock on her door tore Olivia Benson out of her thoughts and before she had any chance to pull herself together, Amanda's blonde head appeared in the doorframe. "Hi Serge. I'd head home soon if that's okay with you. The DD-5s are filed and everything's done for tonight and…" The detective now glanced towards her boss for the first time and immediately paused when she noticed her slumped posture. She furrowed her brows. "You ok?"

Olivia gulped. No, she wasn't _okay_ but that was none on anyone's business. She tried to regain composure but just couldn't seem to _not_ look miserable. Before she knew what was happening, Amanda had stepped into her office and gently closed the door behind her. Even though the blonde had just casually sat down on the visitor chair, Liv couldn't help but feel her personal space had been invaded.

"You look stressed" Amanda said lowly, fully aware that it was a lie. Even though there were many things one could read from Olivia's posture and facial impressions right now, _stress_ wasn't one of them. Exhaustion, sure. But also something unsettling she couldn't quite put her finger on.

"Is there anything I can help you with?" She was being purposely vague, allowing Liv to interpret her question as work-related if she needed to. "I mean, you probably wanna get home, too, right?" It was supposed to be a light-hearted remark. Amanda had expected a nod in response. Maybe a sigh. But certainly not the brief flicker of panic in Olivia's eyes.

"You _do_ want to go home, right?" Amanda asked lowly, carefully studying her boss's face for any clues. Olivia inhaled deeply, knowing her body language was already answering for her. She _had to_ snap out of it before Amanda would ask questions she couldn't afford to answer. Why couldn't she?

"Liv? You're scaring me a bit right now… Can you tell me what's going on?" The brunette didn't move, didn't speak, and Amanda bit her lip, unsure what to do. She had never seen Olivia _like this_ and even though she worked with severely traumatized women on a daily basis, there was something in her sergeant's empty gaze that gave her the shivers. Having just returned from a case a few hours ago, Amanda and Fin had spent the whole day outside the precinct which was why Amanda hadn't seen her sergeant since Friday – a fact that she was now deeply concerned by. Had Olivia been _like this_ all day? Had anything happened during the weekend?

"Why don't you wanna go home, Liv?" Amanda asked bluntly and Olivia's immediate answer - "Because I don't feel safe there!" – made sense… until Amanda realized Olivia had already moved out of her Lewis-infested apartment to live with Cassidy. Genuinely surprised by her sergeant's confession, Amanda was unable to hide the concerned look on her face. "What do you mean, Liv? Why don't you feel safe in your home?" She asked lowly, deeply worried by how Olivia was completely avoiding her gaze now.

"This isn't because of what Lewis did to you, is it?" Amanda waited for Olivia's head-shaking before she could bring up the courage to ask the question she dreaded the answer to: "Olivia… Do you feel unsafe _because of_ _Brian?_ " The brunette gulped and Amanda inhaled deeply, bracing herself for yet another difficult question: "I don't know how to ask this but… did he hurt you?"

Olivia was inclined to shake her head but realized she couldn't. She sat there, frozen in place, shocked at her own reluctance. "Liv?" Amanda paused, not really knowing what to say or how to say it. "Look… I know this must be hard for you, and to be honest: I feel like you don't really like me - so if you're uncomfortable talking to _me_ about this…" Amanda trailed off, not knowing how to interpret her superior's absentminded shrug. "Do you want me to go get someone? Someone _else_?" She asked but Olivia shook her head. "I'm okay", she whispered but the shakiness of her voice made it evident that she wasn't.

"No, you're not. I can't just ignore what you just told me, Liv!"  
"I didn't tell you anything!" Olivia exclaimed stubbornly, and Amanda hated to admit she was right. Technically, Liv hadn't even verbally _confirmed_ her disturbing assumption, let alone _told_ her anything. After a few moments of silence, Amanda was so caught up in her thoughts she barely registered Olivia's timid voice at first. By the time she had, the brunette had already fallen silent again. "Huh?" Against all odds, Olivia repeated what she had just said, her voice so low and hesitant it broke Amanda's heart:

"He didn't mean to"

Amanda suddenly felt sick to her stomach. It was Cassidy they were talking about, after all! How dare he touch her?

"Didn't mean to do _what_ , Liv?"  
No reaction.  
"Did he hit you?"  
Head-shaking.

Amanda knew there was no point in asking as long as Olivia wasn't ready to talk, so she just waited.  
"He…" Olivia gulped, hating herself for the shakiness in her voice. "He had sex with me last night" Amanda froze. _He had sex with me_. Not _we_ had sex. "We hadn't… I mean… not since Lewis" Olivia blinked rapidly, trying not to let the tears clouding her eyes showShe sighed deeply, then continued: "Lewis never touched me – not _like that_. But…" Liv suddenly pressed her lips together, as if she had only just realized she was actually opening up to Amanda about this. The blonde sensed her sergeant was fractions of a second away from clasping a hand over her mouth to keep her confessions from pouring out, so she intervened: "It's okay, Liv. You're okay." The brunette seemed to be eyeing her suspiciously, as if she were afraid Amanda was going to – ironically, she wasn't even sure _what_ she was afraid of…

"I'm here, Liv. An' I'm not going anywhere unless you tell me to" Amanda paused, contemplating whether it was appropriate to say out aloud what was on her mind. When she glanced towards her boss, though, she recognized the sheer terror in Olivia's gaze and realized that _professional boundaries_ were the least of their problems right now. Olivia was clearly upset. It didn't matter that she was her superior, didn't matter that she had treated her poorly during Amanda's first few months in the squad. What did matter were the violent shivers cursing through Olivia's body, and the shameful look in her eyes. There was no way in hell Amanda was _not_ going to say it:

"You're safe right now, Liv. You're safe _with me_. I promise"

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 **A/N 2: As always, this was only supposed to be a oneshot but I might write another chapter or two "on public demand" xD**


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

Olivia was barely able to register her detective's words, busy fighting the urge to draw her legs up to her chest and bury her face in her knees. Amanda eyed the brunette worriedly. A few minutes had passed until she brought up the courage to ask the question that had been on her mind ever since Olivia had whispered _he had sex with me_ :

"Liv… Do you need me to take your statement?"  
Olivia looked genuinely confused now.  
"If he raped you..."  
"What? No! He didn't! He'd never..." Olivia trailed off and Amanda gulped.  
"It sounded like you didn't want to sleep with him, hon" She explained softly, carefully toeing the line between being honest and being gentle with Olivia. "It sounded like he _made you_ -"  
Liv shook her head. "He didn't! It wasn't rape! It w-"

The words seemed to be stuck in Olivia's throat all of a sudden. She was clearly upset – even more so than she'd been a few minutes ago – but it was different now. Amanda couldn't shake the feeling that her sergeant was frozen with fear and she seemed to be struggling to breathe. "It's okay" The detective said soothingly. "You're okay. Can you take a deep breath for me? Nice and easy. That's it. I'm sorry I upset you. I really didn't mean to"

Olivia was gripping the edge of the table so tightly her knuckles were turning white. She seemed to be on the verge of a panic attack and Amanda was getting increasingly worried by the minute. Slowly and predictably, the detective tried to scoot forward with her chair and sighed in frustration when she realized that it barely moved. On second thought, though, she was glad for the thick carpet that had stopped the chair from moving smoothly - no longer sure whether reducing the physical distance between them was a good idea. "You're safe, Liv" She reassured her instead. "If my questions upset you, I'll stop asking, okay?"

After a while – seconds? minutes? – Olivia shook her head. Her panic seemed to have subsided, replaced by another emotion that was clearly evident on her face: Shame. "It's okay" Olivia whispered casually. "I'm sorry for…" She gestured around, indicating their current situation. Now it was Amanda's turn to shake her head: "Nuh-uh. There's _nothing_ you'd have to apologize for, Liv. Do you hear me? _Nothing!_ " Olivia just shrugged as in ' _if you say so'_ and despite the brunette's reluctance and (potentially fake) disinterest, Amanda continued: "Olivia... I'm gonna ask you a very personal question, and I want you to tell me the truth, okay? Are you _hurt_? Physically, I mean? Are you... bleeding? Is there any chance there might be tearing?"

Olivia inhaled sharply, then considered Amanda's question. She wasn't _in pain_ , after all – maybe a little sore but not _hurt._ Right? She suddenly felt the overwhelming need to avoid the other woman's gaze even though she didn't even understand _why_. "Liv? You're safe here. Nothing you say will leave this room without your permission. I promise!" She paused for a moment before she added: "Do you need to see a doctor? I could take you, you know…"

When Olivia hadn't said anything after a full minute, Amanda repeated her question and this time, Liv shook her head defiantly.  
"What's your plan then?" Amanda asked outright and Olivia shrugged. "You said you didn't want to go home" The blonde summarized, eying her lieutenant suspiciously. "You weren't planning on sleeping in the cribs tonight, were you?"

Olivia shook her head truthfully and grinned triumphantly but Amanda didn't seem to buy it: "…but?" The brunette sighed, then nodded towards the couch in her office. "I've slept here before. It's not as uncomfortable as it looks" She explained apologetically and Amanda sighed.

"Why don't you stay at my place tonight?" She finally asked. Even though she had _hoped_ for a clear _yes_ (or maybe even a _thank you_?), Amanda had at least expected _some_ kind of response. Instead, Olivia just sat there, frozen into place, and the detective wasn't so sure anymore whether she had actually said the words out aloud. "Olivia?" She whispered gently, and this time, the brunette did turn towards her.

Amanda was genuinely shocked by the emptiness in Olivia's eyes. Not even bothering to toe around any boundaries that might only exist in her head, Amanda stood up and helped Olivia to her feet.  
"Come on. Let's get you out of here, hon"

Olivia's whispered "Okay" might as well have only been in her imagination.

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 **A/N: I really didn't expect so many of you "demanding" another chapter! I'm happy to oblige... and don't worry: there will at least be yet another one...**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Short updates are better than no updates, right?**

* * *

 **Chapter 3**

"Why are you doing this?" Olivia whispered into the semi-darkness of Amanda's living room, clutching the scalding hot tea mug as if she wasn't even feeling the pain. "Ever since you got to New York, I've treated you like shit. Not even once have I made you feel welcome on the squad. I was so busy being disappointed and mad with Elliot that I never even gave you a chance!"

The blonde shook her head. "That's not true, Liv. You're giving me a chance _now_. I can only imagine how hard this must be for you and it means a lot to me that you're letting me in – that you're letting me _help_. Even if it's just a cup of tea on my couch – or whatever else I can do. I'm here for you. You don't have to go through this alone!"

Olivia tensed at Amanda's words. "There is nothing to _go through_!" She fired back defensively, immediately stunned into silence by the blonde's quick retort: "Then why are you trying so desperately not to start crying, Liv?"

Hm.  
Touché.

Silence swallowed the room.

"Can you tell me what happened?" Amanda asked softly, not surprised when Olivia didn't respond for a full minute. "I wasn't ready" Olivia whispered after a while, her eyes fixated on a loose thread on the pillow beside her. "Neither … _physically_ nor _emotionally_ … I- uhm… I had a flashback. Of… Lewis. I don't think Brian noticed..."Amanda tried desperately to suppress an "… or cared".

"I'm so sorry. That must've been scary" She said instead, and Olivia gulped. "You said earlier that Brian didn't force you…" Amanda started vaguely. "Did you – at any point – tell him to stop?"  
"No, I didn't" Olivia responded vehemently. "He would've stopped if I had"  
"… but he didn't stop…"  
"Which means I didn't tell him to" Olivia concluded stubbornly, and Amanda was reluctant to point out her boss's logical error, so she said nothing.  
"He probably didn't hear it" Olivia whispered apologetically and alarm bells started ringing in Amanda's head. "He would've stopped" The lieutenant insisted desperately, and Amanda couldn't shake the feeling that Olivia was trying to convince _herself_ just as much as she was trying to convince her.

Realizing she was treading on thin ice, Amanda was contemplating whether it was appropriate to point that out when her considerations were interrupted by yet another afterthought. "He must've not heard me…" Olivia concluded, and yet again, Amanda suppressed a snarky remark.

"What _did_ he do?" She asked instead, completely caught off guard by the other woman's response.  
"He… uhm… finished and-" Olivia clasped a hand over her mouth, clearly in distress.  
"Do you need to take a break, Liv?" Amanda asked softly and Olivia shook her head. "Okay. Can you tell me what happened next?" The blonde prodded gently, earning nothing but a shrug in response.

"What do you mean?"  
Another shrug, this time accompanied by a timid "I can't tell you"  
A worried frown ghosted across Amanda's features. "Yes, you can, Liv. I know this is hard but…" The brunette interrupted Amanda by vigorously shaking her head. "It's not that" She clarified. "I know I'm _safe with you,_ and that you can handle _hearing_ it and all that. I just don't _remember_ what happened next. What I _do_ remember is suddenly being at work…" Her voice trailed off, only to return with a hopeful "Maybe that means it didn't happen after all?"


End file.
